Solitary Time on the Rail Trail

 

 

While I find great pleasure in spending time with family and friends, and meeting new acquaintances, I also treasure solitude.  There are times when I need to be alone with my thoughts.  One of my favorite escapes is the rail trail near my home.  This rail trail carries with it many memories.  For almost thirty years of my life, this was a working railroad track, and my days were marked by the trains that chugged past.  My godfather was a brakeman for the railroad, and he rode the trains on this track for many years, so I also carry the memories of his stories in my heart.

Several years ago, this track was abandoned by the railroad, and our County bought it and began the long process of creating a beautiful rail trail for our local communities.  Today, it is a favorite destination for walkers, bikers, and runners.  Some sections border the back of homes and businesses, and some are totally wild — filled with trees and wildflowers and deep ravines that drop off sharply a few feet from the trail.

There are days when I walk with neighbors, carrying on conversations as we walk, days when I push my twin grandbabies in their stroller, and days when I walk with my older grandchildren.  The vastness of the wild land surrounding it is breathtaking, and I most often prefer my solitary walks, when I can let my mind wander from thought to thought, or focus on the beauty of the wild world around me.  I love to take photos when something particularly touches me.  A short time ago, as I walked along, I spotted two tall trees which had grown toward each other at the top, forming a lovely arch.  Had it not been for the steep drop-off just beyond the arch, I imagined it as a lovely little arbor area for a small wedding, or a teatime picnic, a sort of fairy-tale treasure.

 

Most of my everyday life involves interaction with loved ones and friends and community, and I enjoy being active and involved and close to the people I care about so deeply.  And yet, there is that need inside me for solitary time — time when I don’t have to interact with anyone or be responsible for anything.  I treasure any bits of solitude that come my way during the day, and I certainly do not have to be walking the beautiful rail trail to find peace and tranquility, but I am thankful for this lovely haven that has been created for us.  I love the sounds of birdsong, wind in the treetops and the gentle flutter of butterfly wings, and I feel my godfather’s soul walking along with me — quietly, demanding nothing from me, but reminding me that he was once here too, and that he loved me.

Aging With Grace

That smiling baby is me about 68 years ago.  I look back at her innocent little face, and think of all that has happened in her life, in my life, since this photo was taken.  Just now, as I was looking forward to a peaceful afternoon, my husband stormed out of the house, yelling at me — saying I didn’t know anything about anything.  What he means is that I am not a person who understands technology or mechanics.  He knows very well that I am intelligent and that I know a great deal about many things.  This is just one of his “days” — for our entire marriage, he has had these “days” — days when he feels the need to yell and belittle and be furious.  And, then, he has better days.  Sadly, though, in my heart, the “better” days can never make up for the “bad” days.

As this smiling baby grew up, she never knew what her life would be like at 68.  None of us do.  All of life is a mystery to us, if we really think about it.  Looking back from this vantage point, I can see that we have no control over our destinies, only how we respond to them. 

I began writing this blog in 2007 — back then, I was caring for my first newborn granddaughter during the day, and had a family business to help run.  Now, twelve years later, I have three older grandchildren and twin grandbabies that I am once again helping to care for.  Our family business was a casualty of the recession several years ago, and we now live on a very limited income. 

I have friends who travel and eat out often, and have new cars and nice clothing.  I don’t.  However, I do have friends who understand and care, and we get together regularly to talk and laugh and drink wine, and help each other through the tough times of aging.  We lost one of our friends this summer to cancer, but I know, even though we feel sad, her spirit is right there with us — we just aren’t able to hear her laughter right now.

I have three children and five grandchildren that I love beyond measure.  I live in a cozy old house in an historic district.  It needs work, but it is my sanctuary, regardless of its sagging porch and worn kitchen.  I have become very active in a local group formed to preserve our historic district and other historic areas in our town.  This has given me purpose, as well as much new knowledge of how town and county governments work.  Some of the members have been long-time friends, and others are new friends — and I thoroughly enjoy being with them all.  I feel my horizons stretching with each new person I meet.

As I’ve grown older, some health problems have set in, but I go for regular checkups and try to follow my doctors’ instructions.  I try to stay healthy so I can enjoy this life of mine, and watch my grandchildren grow up.

I love to feed the birds and savor the sights and scents of my garden in the summer, and watch the snow falling gently in the winter.  I have a large collection of books, and always have a book beside my chair to read.  I enjoy lingering at book sales and consignment shops and estate sales.  I never know what treasure I may find.  Most of all, I love the time I spend with my friends and family.  

Obviously, my life has taken a path I would not have expected — happily ever after was not in the cards for me, but I make sure that I treasure each pleasure that comes my way, enjoy my relationships with friends, new and old, and try to not dwell on the “might-have-beens”.  

Life is too precious to fret about what we wish we had done differently; we need to live in the here and now — and not miss a moment of joy.  If I could look that little baby in the eyes and tell her how her life would turn out, I would tell her to always look for the happiness in a situation, treasure those who treat you well, find your bliss and enjoy it, and never worry about wrinkles and gray hair when you get old — just pray that you grow old, and can have the immense pleasure of holding your grandchildren in your arms.

 

Finding My Voice

I was always rather shy; I was tall and clumsy, and preferred to not draw attention to myself.  I did well in school, followed the rules, and always wished I was one of the popular girls, but I was not.  I was always very nervous when I had to speak in front of a group — preferring to be as unobtrusive as possible.  I spent time with a small group of friends and when alone, lost myself in books. 

When my children were young, I was involved in their school activities — room mother, scout leader, field trip chaperone — but none of these things required me to speak publicly.  As they grew, so did my confidence, as I began to deal more and more with the wider world around me.  I learned to stand up for my children and myself.  I learned that I was no longer that awkward, shy little girl.  I was learning to voice my opinions and stand up for what I felt was best in difficult situations.

Many years have passed since then, and I have become much more confident and less intimidated by people with more education or experience than me.  I have found a passion that has given me the courage to speak out and be heard.  This passion is historic preservation.  I live in a community that has been designated a National Historic District, and yet we face an uphill battle to save certain areas from development.  Throughout our entire town, there are small and large pieces of history that should be protected, and we are fighting to preserve them, too.  For someone so new to the intricacies of town and county procedures, I often feel frustrated that I am not more knowledgeable when I speak out at meetings, but I do speak out.  I am not afraid anymore to stand up in front of a group of people and express my opinions and my strong desire to protect these buildings and pieces of our history.  

The photo above is of a local small family cemetery in the midst of a large commercial development area.  This cemetery is an example of what can be done if people try to save our historic treasures.  We are fortunate that many of our Town and County leaders are sensitive to the issues we care so deeply about.  It is important, though, that we attend the meetings, talk to our representatives, explain our reasons for wanting to save our history.  And so, I stand up and I speak, and I even argue my point at times — at 68 years old, I have FINALLY found my voice!!

Too Busy??

My life this spring has been hectic and stressful.  It seems the weeks are filled with doctor appointments, town meetings, parties, get-togethers with friends, and, most importantly helping to care for my twin grandbabies.  Of course, much of this activity is enjoyable except, of course, the doctor appointments; however, even pleasurable activity can be tiring when you are 68 years old and feel like you fall behind a bit each week in your obligations.

Spring began slowly this year, with snow on the ground later than normal, chill winds, and raw temperatures in early April.  By the time it felt warm enough to go out and rake out the leaf mulch, the perennials were already beginning to grow up through the mulch.  I always make an effort to spend two or three days raking out the gardens and picking up windblown branches; some years this is possible, and other years, such as this one, I find myself outside at odd hours, raking out sections of gardens, and never quite catching up to the growing plants.  I am also a naturalist, so I am careful to let the tiny spring flowers and the dandelions scattered across the lawn grow to maturity before the first good mowing of the lawn.

The past couple of weeks my grandbabies were sick, so my days were more often filled with holding feverish little ones in my arms than they were with tending my gardens.  Somehow, though, when you are a haphazard gardener like me, you realize that nature tends to take care of itself.  It always amazes me how these tiny little sprouts can push up through a mass of leaf mulch, to drink in the gentle rain and sunlight, and grow into the flowers they were meant to be.  Somehow, the weather this April was perfect for bleeding hearts.  Outside my back porch, my garden is filled with these beautiful plants, which multiply and grow more lovely each year.  The Lily-of-the-Valley are preparing to bloom.  In my mostly ignored round garden by the bird feeder, the Solomon’s Seal, which I thought was gone last year, is growing and budding out in thick patches.  The hardy ferns are taking their place around the pond and the front porch.

There is still a great deal of work to be done, and here I sit, on my quiet Sunday morning, writing at the computer instead of working outside.  I am thinking of the side yard which needs a total refurbish to complement the beautiful picket fence my husband put in last year.  Instead, I spent my Saturday at a large family party for the twins’ first birthday — what a wonderful day, filled with family and friends, and lots of babies and toddlers to hug.  I certainly wouldn’t have traded this special celebration for anything. 

So much of life is a trade-off — we alone can decide the most significant use of our time.  For me, family and friends always come first — no doubt, no exceptions!!  However, the multitude of other choices as to how I spend my days calls for more careful thought.  At this age, my energy is much more limited than when I was younger, and often, even though I would love to cram my days with all of the activities that are important to me, I must choose between them.  Do I do the grocery shopping, or clean the house, or work on my historic preservation letter?  Do I relax with a book, write, finish up the paperwork that lies in wait on my desk?  Do I spend time in the gardens, listening to birdsong and feeling my heart lift with each new tiny plant peeking through the ground?

This is the one drawback of aging — how do we choose our everyday activities when the choices are so numerous and inviting, and time and energy are limited.  I’m thinking, though, that grocery shopping is probably the best choice to make this morning, or we will not be eating this week!!!

 

The Golden Years

I look at this photo from someone’s Facebook post, and it reminds me of summer days when I was young.  I can still remember the long process of “washday”, as I helped my mother and grandmother.  First, we washed the clothes in a wringer washer (always being careful to not get my fingers caught in the wringer), and then we rinsed them in the big washtub, once again running them through the wringer and into the wicker basket, ready to be carried up the basement stairs to the clothesline outside.  In all of my memories, the days were lush and warm, as we hung the clothes on the line with wooden clothespins, and the breeze rustled through them.  Once they were dry, we unpinned them from the line, and folded them before placing them back in the basket.  They smelled of fresh air and sunshine, and I loved to bury my face in them, feeling the warmth of the sun in their cloth.  

This was my grandmother’s life, as I saw it; her days spent working along with my mother at household chores, cooking dinner for herself and my grandfather, and spending time with my sister and me.  As she aged, my grandfather died before her, leaving her lonely and confused, stuck in a world which no longer held much pleasure for her, even though she was living with my parents and my sister then.  So my role model for the “golden years” was not a happy one.

In today’s world, though, as I age, a whole new life opens up before me.  Granted, there are the health issues that plague so many of us, but with which we learn to live — taking our medications, visiting our various doctors regularly, and living within our individual limitations.  However, I never realized the pleasures that would accompany these later years — having the time to take care of my grandchildren and to be close to them, becoming an activist for preserving our local history, our forests, open spaces and farmlands, and now, becoming involved with a group working to minimize climate change on a local level.  

I am also fortunate to have good friends, good neighbors, and a large extended family, so life is busy.  Perhaps one of my most treasured gifts in these “golden years” is the friendships — there is something infinitely comforting and reassuring about knowing we have friends to turn to as we face the challenges of growing older.  At this age, we value our friendships more deeply and thankfully.  Whether it be a lunch with one friend, or a gathering of several friends, there is always the time for serious conversations, the sharing of memories, and tremendous amounts of laughter.

Who knows what the future holds, and I may very well end my life in a gradual decline to dementia as did my grandmother, but in the meantime, I am enjoying my life with all of its activities, and spending precious time with my family, and my friends — taking full advantage of these “Golden Years” I am living today.

 

 

Endings and Beginnings

This last Saturday in December is cloudy and dreary; the Christmas decorations have been tucked away, and 2019 will be here in three days.  It is a good day for introspection — for looking back over the year that is drawing to a close.  For me, 2018 has been a year of both joyous happenings — my daughter’s wedding and the birth of her twins, a beautiful 50th High School Reunion, new & rekindled friendships, a renewed sense of purpose in my historical preservation efforts, precious times spent with my children and grandchildren — and times that have stressed my heart.  I have friends fighting cancer, and one who lost his life to the nasty disease.  One friend is waiting for her son to wake from a coma.  It has been a stressful year for many.

Our nation is going through tumultuous political times, as are many of our allies.  Climate change is taking its toll on our country. with wildfires and floods destroying homes and lives in many areas.  There are strong political divisions, fanned by the internet and 24-hour news channels, which constantly search out the most divisive news stories.

My wish for 2019 is that we would see more thoughtful listening than angry, degrading rhetoric, more compassion, more attempts to find solutions to our problems in a bipartisan manner.

I wish as individuals, we would be quicker to love than to hate, more inclined to compassion and a sense that we are all “in this together,” and that we would all continue to nurture loving relationships with family and friends.  Change can begin from the “bottom up,” and right now, we desperately need change, if we are to pass on a better world to coming generations.

As you raise your glass to the New Year, I hope you will be toasting to more civility and caring in this beautiful world of ours.

Happy New Year

 

 

 

 

Grandmothers – A link to the past

The most important gift grandmothers give to their grandchildren is unconditional love — the knowledge that each child is loved beyond measure.  The second gift we offer is a bridge to the past for these children.  Their parents are caught up in the job of raising them, providing food, shelter, clothing, love, and a sense of security.  Parents are busy dealing with the present, so it is left up to grandmothers to tell the stories of the past.  We are the ones who talk about the childhood of their parents, who tell them stories about their family history.  We pass down the heirlooms and treasured family items.  We are their link to the quirky ancestors and the family traditions.

Those of us who live near our grandchildren also pass down stories of the history of their town — maybe the house we lived in as children, or the special people and places that were part of our town when we were young.  One of my granddaughters attended the same elementary school I did as a child — how I loved telling her the stories of my years in those very same classrooms, and of the changes that have taken place in what used to be a quiet little rural area.  Across the street from her school, the dairy farm where we could watch them milk the cows is long gone, replaced with a Walmart and Lowe’s.  I can tell her that; she would probably never know what had existed before Walmart was there.  I tell her abut my fourth grade teacher who used to scream and push all of the books off her desk when she got mad at our class.  When we walk on the rail trail near my house, I tell all of them the story of my godfather, who was a brakeman on the railroad that used to run along that trail, and of how he had to lie down on top of a train car when they went under the bridge at the end of our street, a bridge which no longer exists, except for the concrete base hidden in the weeds beside the trail.  They would not know there had been a bridge there if we didn’t walk the trail and talk.

They love to search through the rooms of my old house, pulling out little treasures that they find, and asking questions.  They often go home with one of my old stuffed animals, or a pretty piece of jewelry that belonged to a great-grandmother or aunt.  So much of my home is furnished with family treasures and estate sale finds — we have made a pact that one day they can all come over with stickers and mark the pieces they want when I am gone.  

I believe it is important for children to know about their personal history, and their family history — both the good and the bad.  One day, it may help them to understand themselves a bit better.  And, who better to share the past with them than their grandmother.

Family Comes First

I have been fortunate in this life that my children, grandchildren, and much extended family live nearby.  This is a blessing.  I have also been fortunate to have many interests and many passions in addition to my beloved family.  Most recently, as anyone who follows my blog knows, I have become seriously involved in efforts to save the history and character of my town.  Throughout the past two years, this has taken a great deal of my time and energy.

However, this past April, my daughter gave birth to premature twins — a boy and a girl — and life as I knew it has changed for awhile.  These precious babies were seven weeks early, so they not only spent time in the NICU, but also required special care when they came home — care that this grandma was only too willing to help with.  They are developing well now, and their mom has had to return to work, so, I share their daily care with their parents and other grandparents, much as I did with my older grandchildren.  I have found that caring for twins is much more difficult than I had expected, and all of us are tired much of the time, especially my daughter and son-in-law, who lovingly keep these little ones safe, well-fed, snuggled, and stocked with special formula, diapers, and all the necessities babies require.  As they gaze into their parents eyes and smile, my heart melts….they already know that they are loved beyond measure.

The end of the school year was filled with school plays, recitals, moving-up ceremonies, and the schedule was a bit crazy.  Then, my oldest granddaughter fell and broke her arm, which shattered her summer plans, so we are trying to keep her as busy as possible — by the time you are eleven years old, you need more stimulation than “hanging” out with grandma for the summer.  

We have also had other new babies in the family, and family celebrations to attend.  It has been a lively and busy summer so far.  Now, my husband has developed a serious bone infection, which has sidetracked him quite a bit, and given me one more consideration as I make my weekly plans.

Just a few short months ago, much of my time was devoted to my historic preservation group and our committee meetings for our upcoming 50th high school reunion in September.  Now, though, I realize how little time I have left each week to devote to these pursuits.  

I have always put my family first, and my own interests second.  Somehow, because of the importance of the preservation issues in our town RIGHT NOW, I have tried to maintain a bit of my responsibilities in this effort, but it is less than I would like.  

Somehow, though, I have always believed that family must come first.  We give birth to a child, and we are responsible for helping them to grow into the best person they can be, and when they are grown, continuing to always be there for support and encouragement as they need it.

And so, I continue on this summer — doing all that I can for my family, as well as staying somewhat involved in my personal passions and responsibilities — still fighting for my beloved community, still working to make this class reunion a special one for all who attend, and squeezing in time for peacefully feeding my birds, tending my haphazard garden, and maintaining the friendships I treasure so much.

Right now, I am immersed in bottles, diapers, singing to fussy babies, falling deeper and deeper in love with toothless grins, and realizing that time passes much too quickly, and it won’t be long before I will be watching their recitals, and their plays, and seeing them head off to Middle School, and realizing that they are no longer “little ones”.

I will forever be grateful that I have put my family first!!!  

 

 

An Afternoon to Myself

via An Afternoon to Myself

An Afternoon to Myself

My plan for today was to drive my husband to his father’s house, and return home to rake out some of my gardens.  However, the morning was chill and bleak, and by the time I was driving home, raindrops were gathering on the windshield.  Somehow, I just couldn’t face the physical work of the garden.

The past few months have been filled with busyness — holiday plans, my daughter’s wedding, her baby shower, frequent meetings for committees to which I belong, the chaos of household renovations, time with my grandchildren, the worries typical of a mother watching her own “baby” carrying twins, watching out for a husband with disabilities…the list goes on and on.  As I drove home through the raindrops, I decided my goal for the afternoon was one of peaceful solitude.  I ate a light lunch, sitting in my favorite chair, reading a book as I ate, with a lovely pot of Easter tulips nearby.

The house is quiet, barely a sound reaching through its thick, old walls.  I am a person blessed with a happy spirit, but sometimes the worries and stresses of life are too much with me, and I need time alone — time with no TV blaring, no voices, no questions — nothing but silence.  Some people don’t like to be alone with their thoughts, but I often crave solitude.  When the world gets harried and the people around me need attention and help, I am there in the fray, giving pieces of my heart to whomever needs it at the moment.  My life is full of friends and family that I love and many important commitments.  But, sometimes I reach a breaking point, and I must slow down a bit to regain my sanity.

Since my husband is a TV lover, I often stay up very late at night (the wee hours, I call them), after he has turned off the TV and gone to bed.  Then, the house is quiet, and I can read and write and think in peace.  I look forward to these hours each day.  Today, however, I am so thrilled to have these daylight hours to myself — to recharge a bit, perhaps to read or pray or just sit and ponder.  In an hour or so, I will once again head out in the car to stop for some groceries and to pick up my husband, but I will feel stronger and more at peace with all that lies ahead, because of this precious gift I have had today — a bit of time for myself!!